Last day of September

Actually I didn't have any expectation to update this blog today, but Jimmy and Chandra had reminded me... and *plung* here I am! :)

Yeaps, today is the last day of September 2009. Many things I had spent throughout this month, happiness, surprise, sadness, disappointment, neutral feeling, tiredness, and many others which I can't describe it here one by one.

This time at this post, I want to reflect what I had done today. Hmmmphhh.. two big things, I guess, had been done by me.
1. Singing --> it's funny perhaps for you that singing is, indeed, one of my big things ;). However, for me, it is!! From the very beginning of this semester, I have been very busy, doing this - thinking that - feeling this.... There was almost no time for just being with myself. But I did it this morning, sang and felt the morning with myself :)

2. Meeting --> For this one, I kinda felt lazy before I went to the meeting. And to be honest, I was being shot by myself when I said about motivation words to others... It's because I said lazy before, then after few hours, I could say about motivation words (weird isn't it?? ).

Indeed, thanks to the meeting!! It woke me up that I need to let go of my friends, realizing that one day they will go and fly on their own ways.
Sad and afraid? Yes, I was, because my friends will go away from me and I felt that I will be alone next semester.. However, I can't force them to stay, it's their own choices and I know, they can choose what is the best for them. Thinking of this, my sadness has faded away..

and I write this poem for you friends...

Ohhh my dear friends,
knowing, working, and having fun with you for this long..
have made me understand what the world is about,
have made me realize the value of friendship,
have made me treasure the gem of sharing and caring.

It is hard to let you go,
but I know it will be the best for you.
Choose whatever ways that are good for you,
I will always here to support.

Thanks my friends! :):):)

Emptiness

Kosong itu ternyata berisi

Recently, I just have the thought that..

when you realized that every things are empty, you will have no feeling and thought for them!

I am happy with that realization because it teaches me not to attach :). The thought suddenly came when I gave away my favorite food to someone, in fact, I craved for it haha!! :p
However, when the above thought came, it made me to realize that if i didn't see the food, didn't have the feeling to eat it, and didn't think that the food is mine.. i wouldn't be sad!

So.. I made myself to forget about the food cause the food is empty..


~Every full thing is empty and emptiness itself is a full thing~ :):):) wow!! the sentence is like that sentence who always be said by Bhante in Sun Wu Kong movie ;p

Friendship

Hello readers!!

Hari ini aku bahagia bisa bantu edi nge-host di 'TaraBuddY's session =).. Aku tau edi grogi habis buat nge-host di session hari ini haha!! But he did his best!! Well done edi =)

Seperti biasa sharing of merits selalu menjadi bagian yang aku ambil, padahal di bagian ini, banyak orang menolak untuk melakukannya. Bagian ini nih rasanya merupakan bagian paling NONJOK!! haha!! karena kita sebagai pembawa acara musti tau hikmah apa yang bisa kita dapetkan dari session.

Personally, aku juga takut sih ambil bagian ini hehe!! Aku takut salah ngomong dan berakhir dengan orang2 bingung merasakan apa yang mereka seharusnya dapet dari session..

Anyways, session hari ini adalah movie!! Movie yg diputer judulnya Quill.. Bagus!! Thumbs UP!! haha!! Aku belajar banyak dari movie itu.. Aku belajar tentang TRUST kepada temen. Aku belajar tentang arti FRIENDSHIP, dimana aku sendiri percaya klo sebagai temen, kita cukup berada di sisi temen kita di kala dia sedih (It means a lot to your friends!). Aku juga belajar tentang arti kata PERPISAHAN. "Ada pertemuan, ada perpisahan" kata2 dari Meme yang masih terngiang di kepalaku hehe!! =). Karena aku menyadari klo aku orang yang paling ga bisa berpisah, selalu merasa sedih sampai tertusuk-tusuk klo merasakan perpisahan. Namun, perpisahan sebenernya bukan akhir dari segalanya.. Perpisahan adalah awal dari kehidupan yang baru, kehidupan yang lebih baik karena kita telah belajar dari pengalaman kita di masa lalu =).

Itu semua yang aku sharing ke temen2.. dan indeed, di dalam hati, aku merasa sedih haha!! Aku bisa sharing sebegitu indahnya ke temen2 tentang arti Friendship, tapi ternyata aku sendiri ga bisa menjaga persahabatan dengan seseorang. Tapi kembali seperti yang kukatakan di atas ttg perpisahan.. Perpisahan itu exist dan mungkin dengan perpisahan, dirinya dan diriku akan menjadi orang yang lebih baik. ~All the things are changing~

Who does know about the future? No one! Thus, we only need to live at this present moment well so that it will shape our future well too =).
Masa depan ada di tangan kita!! :) :) :)

Terakhir, TERIMA KASIH ringan-ringan (ringan supaya bisa terbang ke tempat Shinta ;p) ke Shinta yang sudah ber-ide untuk kasi aku hadiah2 yang tak bisa dinilai harganya!! Really appreciate them because they are my treasures and gems!
TERIMA KASIH juga ke temen2 semua yang sudah menulis beberapa kata di dalam muka beruang ajaib :) :) :)!! I will keep all the cards, things, and memories that you guys have made with me!! It was AWESOME and INCREDIBLE for me! Thanks! =)

BEBAS haha!!

haha!! masi pagi2 aku sudah berada di blog untuk bercerita ttg pikiran dan perasaan yang aku alami saat ini..

Yang bisa aku bilang, aku sekarang bingung.. Apakah aku orang yang terlalu sok tau? Apakah aku orang yang sensitif? Ada teman bilang aku ini selalu berpikir bahwa pikiranku adalah benar.. dan aku bingung menanggapinya.

Bingung juga tentang blog, bukankah blog tempat kita menuangkan apa yang ada di dalam hati dan pikiran kita? tetapi kadang aku berpikir aku menuangkan semuanya secara blak blak an, sehingga membuat sebagian orang yang membaca sakit hati.. apakah itu benar?

Selain bingung, ada perasaan laen yang kurasakan pagi ini. Aku merasa BEBAS!! haha!! Entah kenapa aku tiba2 bisa merasakan apa yang dirasakan ma2 waktu aku dan adekku pergi meninggalkan rumah untuk sekolah di kota laen ataupun di negeri orang.
Rasanya sakit karena merasa orang yg dicintai harus pergi jauh, tapi di saat bersamaan ada perasaan bahagia karena itu berarti memberi jalan bagi orang2 yang kita cintai untuk berkembang dan memperoleh pelajaran hidup lebih banyak!

Kepada ma2 dan pa2, Carolina sangat berterima kasih karena ma2 dan pa2 bisa menahan air mata dan tetap berdiri tegak ketika melihat anak2mu ini pergi dari rumah untuk mencari arti kata hidup.. dan terima kasih untuk selalu mendukung setiap langkah yang kuambil, walaupun terkadang langkah itu bukanlah langkah yang kalian harapkan =)

Begitu pula yang kurasakan saat ini.. memberi kebebasan pada seseorang agar dia bisa mengetahui mana jalan terbaik bagi dia, dia yang memiliki kehidupan, dia yang bisa memilih sendiri mana yang benar dan salah =).. aku hanya bisa berada disini untuk melihat dan siap sedia sebagai tempat penampungan di kala dia membutuhkan seseorang untuk berbicara dari hati ke hati =)

wuohhh.. haha!! bahagia karena diriku bisa melakukan hal ini! =)

Aku belajar

wahh ini baru pertama kali aku menulis disini pake bahasa indo.. ahhhh~~ so nice!! hehe!!

terinspirasi dari edi's blog ttg "I Love You".. yeaps, klo bole dibilang aku tadi sempat kaget waktu edi bilang "I Love You", kupikir dia ini saking bingungnya melihat kondisiku jadi sampe ngomong gt untuk membuat diriku ceria haha!!

Tapi aku bahagia menerima kata "I Love You" dari orang laen =). Sudah lama rasanya aku ga menerima kata2 itu, dan sudah lama juga rasanya aku mengatakan "I Love You" ke orang2 sampe berasa klo kata2 itu bukanlah kata2 mistikal lagi.. Anyways, thanks berat untuk edi yang setia mendengar cerita2 gila ku dan berusaha menolongku lompat dari pagar runcing kehidupan ini wahaha!! Jadi, balasan "I Love You" untukmu itu bener2 dari hati terdalam seorang teman =)

Seperti kata pepatah, masalah besar musti dijadiin masalah kecil dan masalah kecil musti dilihat bukan sebagai suatu masalah, itulah cara untuk membuat hidupmu lebih bahagia!
Dan itu yang sedang kuterapkan dalam diriku, untuk melihat masalah bukan sebagai masalah, tetapi sebagai pelajaran hidup yang berharga =). Susah memang untuk melihatnya sebagai suatu pelajaran, karena butuh kaca mata tebal, waktu, dan kesadaran untuk benar2 memandang masalah hanyalah suatu proses pembelajaran.

Masalah yang sedang kuhadapi ini sebenernya hanyalah masalah sepele yang terasa besar dan sakit ketika aku kembali mengingat masa di saat aku mendapatkannya. Banyak artikel telah kubaca hari ini, dan banyak dari artikel itu telah menginspirasi ku bahwa "MASA LALU" hanyalah bagian dari kehidupan yang sangat jauh ~~~ Jauhhhh sehingga ketika aku di sini, di waktu ini, aku tak seharusnya ingat tentangnya.Memaafkan masa lalu dan diriku sendiri mungkin adalah kunci yang aku butuhkan =).. karena banyak orang di masa lalu berkata bahwa aku ini seorang manusia bodoh yang sangat mudah untuk dipermainkan =(

Percaya tak percaya setelah mendapat kata2 bodoh, aku ini percaya bahwa aku BODOH! haha!! Tapi di saat ini, aku yakin bahwa aku adalah seorang manusia biasa - tidak bodoh dan tidak pintar- yang sedang menikmati proses pembelajaran di sekolah kehidupan.

Kumaafkan diriku untuk perkataanku di masa lalu tentang kebodohan.. kumaafkan diriku untuk segala hal yang telah kulakukan untuk menyakiti diriku di masa lalu!!

~ Hidup ini terasa indah ketika kamu mengetahui bahwa kamu memiliki kemampuan untuk menerobos semak belukar yang menghalangi jalan di depanmu! ~

Renewing myself

It's hard to expect from others to be fully understand you..
Only within yourself, ones know what is wrong and right.

It's hard to be dependable on others..
Only on yourself, ones should depend on.

It's hard to be 100% success in doing something..
Only with enough effort, courage, and patience, ones will enjoy the feeling of success.
However, practicing awareness in ones' actions will reveal the fact that success is, indeed, nothing and nothing is, indeed, success.

Whoever does not rise when it is time to rise, who, though young and strong, is lazy, who is weak in will and thought, that lazy and idle person will not find the path of wisdom. (Dhammapada)

Looking for peace is like looking for a turtle with a mustache. You won't be able to find it. But when your heart is ready, peace will come looking for you. (Ajahn Chah)

Thus, knowing all of these.. I won't be slacken again in my effort to seek the truth and overcome the suffering.

I wish everyone to be able to learn diligently! I wish all of us to be well and happy always =)

(P.S. Sorry for those troubles I had made in the past! I am going to forgive and forget them, and begin a new phrase in this present journey of life!)

Starting over =)

Wohooo.. this morning I started my day with a WONDERFUL resolutions!!

Today I wish myself to be well and happy
Today I wish myself to be free from bad thoughts
Today I wish my friends to be well and happy
Today I wish I can improve the progress of my report

I am happy with myself who had done a good job this morning! (It's not selfishness.. I just want to appreciate "me" hehe!!)

This morning the Dhamma Talk in SJBA temple was about five precepts. To be honest, I didn't quite understand what Bhante said about the Jataka story.. and at that time, I think, my mind was running away from my body. It was thinking of A, B, C .... until I realized that I should listen to Bhante's words instead of swimming in the bubbles of thoughts!

Yeaps, at the end of the talk, I could only grab small things from Bhante's words haha!! They are about TRUST!! and I know I need to trust someone in order to be free from dream! =)

However, what I am proud of is myself who was watching the feeling state at almost every moment. When Bhante was talking, some friends were talking and playing.. (in fact I got annoyed by them and I asked myself, why these people can't appreciate Bhante who is talking in front of them?)

Angry? honestly, yes.. but I am happy I could notice it haha!! because after the notification, the feeling of angry was going down and suddenly it disappeared when I checked my feeling again. So... thanks people =)

And then.. when Bhante asked us in the middle of the story, I tried my best to answer him haha!! Though I didn't know the answer was correct or not. And when Bhante asked, is there any question? I also asked him about "thought as a factor in breaking the precept".. (After Bhante answered me, indeed, I still don't understand haha!!) Anyways, actually it was just my appreciation to Bhante. I thought when u are answering someone's question, it shows that you are listening to them so ya.. I tried my best =).

Afraid and shy? Absolutely yes, because I could notice that after I answered and spoke, my body was shivering wakakaka!! (was it due to coldness of air cond?) haha!!

Oyaa.. and I just realized that I have so many opportunities and I have found so many kind people who support me in my LIFE's learning processes =). Therefore, I don't want to disappoint them and being not happy only because of thoughts and small rocks in my life.

I want to be happy in order to make others happy =))

Shining in the Heart?

Hmmphhh I am wondering why I could choose shining in the heart as my blog name. It is weird! because I myself don't have any light in my heart. It is full of dark now.. I can't see things clearly.

This morning I had a trip with my friends to a beautiful hill (don't know what is the name of the hill). The place is FANTASTIC!! I love to be there because I can see lots of greens.. However, those happiness couldn't last long, it came and then went. When it went, I asked myself, "why am I here? spending my morning with my friends here, is it good or bad? are they care for me? am I in bad mood rite now?"

So many things were inside my head when the happiness disappeared. I managed to dump those thoughts and joined my friends craziness of taking picture.... yeaps, the thoughts went for a while, but it returned! and again I felt desperate. I started to walk alone and felt the air, it was so nice!! Nice before the questions in my head came out, "is it okay if I walk alone like this? will my friends be worry because I walk alone? How if they leave me here alone?"

In the middle of the thoughts, I was shocked by Shinta's voice. She called me and in fact, I was happy that time!! I felt that she realized my disappearance.

My.. my... I had generated so much thoughts this morning hahaha!!

Nevertheless, I really love the time when I could feed and see turtles, pigeons, catfishes ate the bread I gave to them. It was so nice to be them, I thought. They are FREE from such thoughts!!
but.. remember remember!! Living things always want to be someone else who they thought are EXCELLENT, in fact, the someone else atually has its own problems!!

and I am as a human wants to be a little turtle or pigeon? haha!! ;)

And now while I am writing here, my mind is still wandering. It is still searching for the answer of being left with friends and the beloved ones. I know the fact that every things are not permanent, they are changing!! but how come the questions can't be turned down?? it is still hanging there although I know exactly the fact behind it.

Perhaps I should repair myself first before I join my friends in the next trip that they have planned.. I know, I will blame myself because I miss the chance to be with my friends. But if I join the trip, it will only cause me to think this and that.. I think, I should prepare some times to be alone with myself first.. =)

Pre-Monash Ball

Monash Ball ~~ that topic is inside my head right now... I am thinking what accessories will be suitable to be worn with my dress? Which bag should I choose to be used? How about my hair and face that day?

Ahahaha!! It sounds funny now after I wrote them down here. It's only BALL after all, why do I need to be so worry? Yeaps, make up and hair do are important things for me, since I don't want to look weird in a place where almost (or maybe all) of the girls will use make up and do their hairs.

Thanks to my sister who gave comments and suggestions about what I should do and wear! She is, indeed, an expert in this thing hahaha!! Love you sis =)).. and never have I to be so close to my sister before if not because of the BALL things wahahaha!! ;)

I am looking forward for the ball which will be held next week! I can't wait for the surprising appearance of my friends =). I am sure they will be handsome princes and beautiful princesses on that day =)

The game of thoughts

A question popped up inside my head after I read my best friend's post.

"Do I make friend with people just because of their usefulness?"

Hmmm.. The best answer of it is yet to be found.

But thinking of it had made another question popped up again. It asked me, "If yes because of usefulness, then why did I (with some friends) make such an organization in which I have put so much effort, time, and energy, in fact, to just make my friends (or even people who haven't become my friends yet) realize the meaning of life?" And do you know that time and energy are essential to me? Too much using energy will only make me like a dead body, can't think properly, can't do job well, saying things unmindfully, and on and on... TIME!! It is essential because time is controlling my assignment's submission date.

Being hit with the second question and its child, now I am thinking that I choose my friends not because they are useful to me. Perhaps, yaaa, sometimes they are offering their usefulness, but I can't say 100% useful to me. Even (I don't know it's right or not), sometimes I find that I am the one who is busy-ing myself to think of them.. so does it mean I am the one who is useful to them?

Yaaa.. if I am continuing the thoughts, I think it won't stop. More questions will be popped up inside my head, and at the end I will start to be the one who is desperate hahaha!! I don't want thoughts to control me! You too, readers, don't be controlled by your thoughts and feeling because they are UNREAL!! They are just DELUSION!!

Though for me, it's okay to think and be desperate. Because with it you can feel what desperate is and you can, even, find your true friends who always be there no matter what condition you are in. Indeed, we need to be a friend to our thoughts and feeling too in order to understand them better =)

And for you, my best friend, if you read this post I just want you to realize that I don't have the exact answer to the question yet. To be honest, I choose you as my best friend not by seeing the usefulness part of you =)

May you be well and happy always =)

The Age of 21

Actually I don't know what to write here, but I just want to update this blog hahaha!! so.. here it goes... ;p

Yeaps.. as you all know, I had a great birthday party on my age of 21!! It was really amazing and wonderful thing on my life!! To know that all of my friends put a lot of efforts and time to make it happened is, indeed, the precious gift to me =)

I am sorry my friends that my previous post had made all of you to be worried hehe!! However, I never expected it to happen. I just poured my feeling that day hehe!! and honestly, all of you are AWESOME!! =)

My happiness on my age of 21 did not stop only on the party which was made by my dear friends! It continued... I had a great experience to be in Malacca and spent my weekend time with 'TBYs and YS! I had so much fun there! I am happy that I got to know more about my friends from the trip ;).. A lot of lessons can be picked up as a guide in my life too!

And I love Malacca!!! wohoooo.. Malacca, for me, is a place where I could talk using my language to others, even to Chinesse people, freely. I love it!! I didn't feel that I need to speak mandarin and english because Chinesse man to Chinesse man also speak in BM there hehe!! Honestly, I felt that I just could express myself better =)).. I didn't feel shy because I am Chinesse but I can't speak mandarin well.. ;)
Ehh ehhh it doesn't mean I dislike to speak mandarin and english, I love to improve my skill in talking on both languages as well. So, english, mandarin, BM, indon languages does not matter! =). For me, the point here is just being yourself!! ahhhh ~~ you will have a so called nice feeling when you just being you.

Malacca shows me that no matter who you are, we are, in fact, a big family! Maybe in big city we seldom see people say "HELLO" to their neighbors, but there I saw it.. friendliness is in very high level!!
Somemore, I saw BECAK and people ride bicycle.. wow!! Becak reminded me that I had not taken becak for so long time.. I still remembered the breeze I felt when I sat in becak every time I went or came back from my elementary school. Bicycle reminded me of my kid's time where I could ride and play with my bicycle safely, and it also woke me up that I had not seen people ride bicycle for so long time..

Dag Dig Dug Dhuerrrrrrr!!

Holaaaa everyone!!! Greetings from Monash University-Sunway campus LIBRARY!!! hahaha!

Yeaps, this is my very first time writing blog in library haha!!

I am doing this because I am too lazy (again) to finish my report which will be due tomorrow. Only one part of discussion left, but yeahh maybe because I don't really understand the topic so I don't know what to write inside the report...

Anyways, I just wondering actually, what my friends will do to me tomorrow or maybe tonight or...?!?! I know, for sure, they will do something to me..

dag dig dug (loud sound)... hahaha!! that's the beat of my heart because of waiting for their surprises wakaka!! Indeed, I don't want to have high expectation and prediction about things they will do for me because I know this time we are very stressful finishing our assignments! (Tons of works are there waiting for us to touch and make them complete!! ~~)

They can be here to listen, support, and do crazy things with me is, in fact, the greatest gift I ever have from them =))

So, again, friends.. YOU are Precious to ME! Thanks =)

My friends are my family

My Friends, My Family =)

I want to laugh at myself today!! I was angry and disappointed with myself and still, I blamed others haha!! Thanks to YOU, ohh friends, because you are still and always be there when i am hopeless! =)

It started with abank who wanted to join me, erica, n fimtan to have lunch in medan today. I was happy because I thought it is a chance for abank to go outside. I am sure, he is bored because everyday only being at the same room, no other views at all! But at the same time, I was chased after the time! Jane said she would fetch us at 12.30 in medan, and that time was 12.00!! (I hadn't go to medan yet!! somemore, i eat very slow!! kyaaaaa!!!)

I was confused and hopeless.. Suddenly edi sent me message via msn saying abank was just come out from bathroom and asked me to wait for him. I would and wanted to do that.. but perhaps, because i was in rush, i felt that edi's words were his angryness to me! Plus i generated thought that why this person (edi) can't be in my position? Still asking me to be patient!! how? what should i do? Erica n fimtan might have waited for me also..

So, at the end, I decided to go first and asked abank to go with edi..

On the way to medan, i felt bad to abank n edi.. A thought that i should message Jane that we would be late should appear earlier!! That thought only came out after we almost reached medan!! Yaa... i sent message to Jane asking her to come at 1, instead of 12.30, because I was afraid that we hadn't finish lunch when she came.

Perhaps today I was too emo as well.. I cried in medan wakakakaaka!! (a once in life's experience!!;p) and Fimtan and Erica saw me!!! wahahaha!! In Jane's car I also cried.. In fact, I was too confused that time, what is the purpose of these tears? Are they aimed for myself or Edi or Abank or every one?

Even.. I have generated thought that I should choose to be anti-social like what Ming Han said. It is nice, I thought, to have no friends because I don't need to think to ma fan someone, I don't need to think others so much, and I can do whatever I myself want to do!! (This thinking and thinking thing has made me to have headache before and after taking nap.. Fuyoohhhh)

Luckily, I have Ming Han and Vina who had slapped me!! I realized that this small thing should not be a big problem. I must not ever think of being anti-social again!! How long have I be with them? Why a small rock can hurt me and destroy everything? hahahahaha!! wow!! the power of friends' loves conquers everything!!

Finally, everything is fine now.. I, edi, and farid are in a very good relationship!! We just successfully passed a small rock in our friendship journey.. It's okay for having it, cause I have gained a wonderful lesson from it =)

And for my tears, I am happy that I could make it out haha!! (washing eyes). Today I am so lucky to have this experience =)

Bussiness = Busy ness

Super duper busy person

Wow!! It's 1:32 a.m. and again I am here to write my story.. This time I feel to write something here after posting comment to someone's blog =)

It's been quite long time since my last post. I am too busy these days.-like what the picture describes! Assignments, social activities-friends+organizations, and family issues are attacking me at almost the same time! How I am gonna finish those things? Will I perform my best for them? I don't know, even, I don't dare to think about how to complete my tasks on time!

Lack of time management? Maybe...
Too much activities in my life? Definitely!!

And one of my best friend always says that I have too much and it's not good to involve in so much things! I know that's true.. but this is just myself who loves to care about others, knowing more new people, and being a good big sister to them! (My greediness, isn't it???)

However, I can't change myself to be someone different coz it means i run away from myself! I believe accepting something is always the best thing to do rather than ignoring and neglecting the fact.

I love myself, for sure! It's not egoistic. It's just contemplation to myself that is capable of doing so much things without screw them up.

Complaining? I try to reduce it! It is useless to complain something, no result of complaining something.. but yes, I am still complaining and maybe vina, my roommiee-the nearest person to me, has been bored hearing my complaints hahaha!!

Anyways, thanks to meditation! With it, I maintain my positive mind and happiness. It teaches me how to be a wise girl in my actions and words.

Thanks too to my honey sweetie friends who always be there, hearing me, giving me advice and helping me to calm myself when i am attacked by my craziness in confusion of the choice of things to do.